My Soul Is Set Free
The next day we headed north to Yellowstone. It was just like the old days, traveling and hanging my head out the truck window.
I even made it up to the Continental Divide, for about the eighth time in our journey. Only this time, walking a few yards to the sign was all I had in me.
We took lots of pictures. As we got to Yellowstone, I was feeling OK, but very subdued from the bad episode the day before.
When we first started traveling with Jerry, we knew that his time would eventually come. If it happened while we were on the road, our biggest nightmare was that we would have to cope with it in some place we didn’t want to be in, some busy city with an unsympathetic vet who didn’t know anything about Jerry.
A few days before we got to Yellowstone, I called Calpurnia’s Mom, TC., whose sister lives just outside the park. She gave me the name of a vet there, in McAllister, Montana. I tucked it away in the “just in case” file.
That night, my breathing was a little raspy, and my heavy panting continued. My legs felt like jelly, and I was having a harder time getting up and turning around in bed.
Mom and Dad slept in the next morning. At 8:30 am when Mom woke up, she thought it was strange that I hadn’t made noises to go outside. I heard her get out of bed, and as she walked over to me saying “Morning Jerry!”, she looked down, and saw that I had wet my bed.
“Oh nooooooo! Jerry, baby!” Mom cried out. Our eyes met, and as I lay there, I looked up and told her; “Mom, I’m so sorry, I just couldn’t get up to tell you. Mom, I’m tired.”
Dad got up to see why Mom was crying. She hovered over me, tears running down her face. I was still laying there. I could not find it in me to get up out of my wet bed.
“It’s time,” Mom said to Dad. “This is it.”
We knew it. This was the sign that we needed to know that his dignity was slipping away.
We always knew that if Jerry’s health was going to decline because of this stupid cancer, we would measure his dignity by whether or not he could get up to go potty on his own.
We realize there are many dogs out there that need help in this area, but are still living otherwise healthy, happy lives. In Jerry’s case, we felt that if the cancer’s effects coincided with incontinence, he would not be living the kind of life he was born to live.
The events of the previous few weeks, along with the incontinence, was the sign that we needed to call the vet in McAllister.
Making that call to the vet was the hardest thing we ever had to do. Explaining our traveling situation to total strangers. Detailing Jerry’s health problems coherently, without going into hysterics. Asking them to help us say goodbye. Luckily, Dr. Cashman was incredibly sympathetic, and agreed to help us that day.
We cleaned up Jerry, put him in the truck, and drove away from Yellowstone. It took everything we had to stay calm and centered, for his sake.
We drove quietly for two hours through the beautiful mountains. The vet’s little office was located at the end of a rural country road, in a setting that felt like home. Puffy white clouds floated across the big blue sky. This was the classic picture of Big Sky Country, Montana.
We went inside to meet Dr. Cashman. Our fears were put aside as we met a wonderful group of women who run the Meadow Creek Vet Clinic. Showing a great deal of compassion, they understood our situation as traveling fulltime RVers, and took the time to explain the euthanasia procedure to us.
Dr. Cashman would use two injections: one to sedate Jerry, and then a second drug which would be responsible for saying goodbye. She gently suggested that we allow her to use a catheter for the injection (a nominal extra fee) as dogs who have been on steroids typically have collapsed veins that are hard to locate. A catheter would make the injection go a little smoother, and be less stressful for everyone involved. We are so grateful she told us about that, and followed her advice.
Mom and Dad went inside for a while, then came outside. I was surrounded by an adoring fan club, and Dr. Cashman was one of them. She was wonderful!
Dad helped me get out of the truck, and got my Barney blanket and some of my favorite stuffed toys. I plopped down on the lawn next to the office, and everyone loved and cuddled me.
Some dogs were barking out back, in the boarding kennels. I hopped over to them, and said “See ya on the other side, guys.” I plopped down tired, then went back to lay down on my blanket with my Dad’s help.
We spoke to each other in dog, that language that only pawrents and their furry kids understand. Mom and Dad’s eyes were all watery, and they thanked me for all that I’d done for them. We made promises to meet up again some day.
Then, Dr. Cashman and her assistant held me close, and gave me lots of love. I felt a tickle on my leg, but I wasn’t scared at all. I was just so tired.
One needs to be totally prepared for the final vet visit when the time comes. There is no second guessing at this point. We decided to remain with Jerry during the procedure, keeping our promise to be with him until the bitter end. Not knowing what to expect, we did the best to prepare ourselves for the worst. And though the tech had a difficult time finding a good vein for the catheter, once it was in, his passing was quick and peaceful.
“You’re going to be OK,” Mom told me. “Thank you Jerry,” said Dad. Tears began to flow, but they feigned strength as they stroked my fur and held me close.
Within a minute or two, I felt so much better. All of my pain was gone, and I was free again!
Up I went through the sky, my spirit soaring high above the big puffy clouds! I was running again! Chasing rabbits and chickens! Swimming! And then I saw Lalla . . .
Some harsh realities do exist that one must also be prepared for, if they choose to know. Being the first time for us, we found it therapeutic to know.
Once I was released from my broken body, my pawrents laid with me quietly for nearly a half hour. My muscles didn’t move as the vet mentioned they might. But my eyes didn’t close either, as she said they wouldn’t.
In search of total closure, my dad requested that he carry me inside. The vet cautiously told him that I would be kept in a freezer until the funeral home could pick me up the next day. He acknowledged the fact, and also understood my limp body must be put in a bag. He helped the vet do this, then gently laid me to rest, knowing that at this point I was free and my body was but a shell. A broken shell at that.
My pawrents made the smart decision to pay for the visit up front so they could just leave afterwords. And it was probably the least expensive vet visit I ever had! While they silently drove back to Yellowstone, my dad swears he sensed me running through the sky along side the truck, all the way.
As hard as it was, we were extremely fortunate for this to happen in such a beautiful place, with such wonderful people. Even the sweet folks from At Home on The Range pet cemetery helped make this more bearable than we ever thought it could be.
We said goodbye to Jerry on a Friday. When we inquired on Monday about his remains, they said he was ready and offered to meet us as we passed through town to deliver a beautiful tin in a velvet bag.
Jerry will keep traveling with us until we find that special piece of land with the large shady tree to call his forever home.
You can watch Jerry’s Nature episode online. Segment #2 has the first part of our story.
To answer your question, Jerry initially presented with a persistent limp. A cough comes much, much later with cancer dogs. But remember this, every day is inevitable. Curly wouldn’t want you to worry. Thanks for commenting. So much more about our entire life with Jerry can be found in his blog here, the discussion forums and our travel blog.
What a wonderful and moving story you shared. I’m sitting here, 3 dogs sleeping in the other room ( and husband too come to that!!) tears dripping off my face onto the cat purring on my lap. What devoted and generous, loving “pawents” you are. I will be holding my loved ones a little closer tonight and thanking Jerry for reminding us all to live in the Now Now Now.
And what a wonderful image of your pack you shared with us … Thanks for loving your animals and living in the now.
On a rainy Sunday afternoon I chanced upon the “Why we love cats and dogs” PBS Nature program. Honestly, I didn’t need anyone to tell me why these two separate (yet equal 🙂 ) species mean soooooo much to us, but decided to sit in anyway.
The story of Jerry was another thing entirely. I applaud your decision to travel with Jerry. Anyone who thinks you were nuts simply doesn’t get it. I empathized with both your joy and grief, and could not watch the closing portions of the show without tears in my eyes. The blog was a poignant tribute that took me a while to get through with the tears rolling down my face.
Jerry’s story is actually one that is full of joy. Seeing him live a full life when initially given such short odds is remarkable and moving. Thank you for sharing a story that is vibrant, full of life, lessons, and above all, love.
Michael
It feels so good to hear from so many animal lovers out there who see the incredible joy at the heart of our story, and indeed Jerry’s life. Thanks for tuning in and taking the time to comment.
Thank you both for sharing one of the most difficult times you will ever experience. Especially thank you to Jerry for sharing his life with two very extraordinary people. I have shared your deep sadness and your happiness with my beauties too. Our pets are so Special. I am sure, without a doubt, that Jerry will forever be your angel/guardian on the other side. I have one soul in particular that keeps returning in various ways to check on me. I know some people will think I’m loony but I don’t care.
I’d like to help put a smile on your faces… are you familiar with Nora the piano playing cat? Just go to You tube and tyoe in Nora. Her catrent is a piano teacher who plays duets with Nora. It’s delightful!
Those same people are going to think we’re loony too then since we continue to be blessed by visits from Jerry. Thanks for commenting and being part of our crazy club! 😉
Recorded show last week. Finally sat down & watched today. What a sweet soul Jerry was & what fabulous pawrents he had. I went right away to your website & read more of your story. My heart hurts for your loss. I lost my Tara Bug to lymphoma 8 years ago (she was 11)& I miss her still today. I also thought of chemo, etc but so little was known about it then that I chose quality instead of quanity.
One of the worst days of my life was the day I had to say goodbye to her. Absolutely killed my soul. We spent the day before sharing an icecream cone & just snuggling together. I have 4 dogs & two cats now but the bond between Tara & I will alwyas be that really special one I will never forget as I am sure Jerry will be for you.
God Speed sweet Jerry, God Speed & Thanks to your pawrents for sharing your story with us.
Donna, you are so kind, thank you. We’ve always heard that there is a “forever dog” in every dog person’s life, that dog who simply stands out above all others they will ever come to know and love. Tara Bug was yours, and Jerry was ours. While these stellar fur kids can never be replaced, it’s comforting to know that there is hope that one day we’ll be able open our hearts and home to more dogs. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Many hugs. -Rene, Jim & Spirit Dog Jerry
I’m so moved by your story and so sorry for your loss. Jerry seemed like such a great soul and you both were such amazing people to take him on that wonderful cross-country journey together.
I had to make the painful decision to put my 10 year old siberian husky down in January. It is the most heart wrenching decision one has to make and the only hope we can have is that we will meet them again when it’s our time.
I wish you both peace in the coming years as you try to go on without Jerry. It will be difficult i’m sure, but Jerry is in the afterlife thinking what an amazing ride he had because of you, and will be waiting for the day when you reunite.
Erin (Boston, MA)
We watched your story on PBS and just finished reading about Jerry going to the Rainbow Bridge.
We have lost several pets and have stayed with each one while the vet helped them find their way-it does not get any easier…but it is the least we can do after all they have given us through the years. I’m glad you found the strength to be with Jerry. You were all fortunate to have each other and be such a great family.
We are so sorry about Jerry. While he will never be replaced-that spot in your hearts will always belong to him-maybe one day you can grow another area of love next to Jerry’s spot to share with another lucky dog.
Thank you for the kind comments Erin. Hearing from animal lovers such as yourself who have been touched by Jerry’s story makes missing him just a little bit easier. Thanks.
Thanks Becky, it is indeed our responsibility to help our companions pass peacefully when their time comes … as incredibly hard as it is. Bless you for taking the time to find out more about Jerry and comment.
I had to find out the end about your wonderful dog, Jerry. In the last four years my dad and baby sister died and I’m caring for my mom who is 93, on hospice and failing rapidly. My dog, Teddie, is all the family I have left. I took him for his vaccinations six weeks ago and later that night the lymph nodes in his neck swelled like baseballs. He also started losing rate at an alarming rate. I took him to the local vet and he said he thought he had cancer — and tests revealed he did, lymphoma, which if left untreated meant he would be dead in two to four WEEKS! The vet recommended a cancer specialist. In the specialist’s waiting room I met other worried owners like myself, some with survivors who told tales of hope. The vet said chemo would buy my Teddie from six months to two years. For a 12 year old dog, the odds were good enough for me. He has had zero trouble with the chemo and his blood work has been excellent. I know chemo puts the cancer in remission (lymphoma is incurable) but I just pray he will be with me longer so I will not be all alone before I can handle it. One thing Teddie does now which shows he knows we are a circle of strength for each other is make sure he reaches out a paw and touches me while I touch mom. Nothing fazes his love for either of us and nothing scares him either not even her noisy oxygen machine and air bed, nothing. I don’t know what I’ll do without mom, but I thank God my soulmate, Teddie, will be at my side, at least a little longer to see me through and accompany me on the walks we take each morning to watch the sun rise on another day.
First of all thank you for sharing your story. Scott and I are going through something similar with our dog Stump. We got Stump (a Jack Russel Terrier) 17 years ago when he was 16 weeks old. He is our first dog. We live in Western Massachusetts, near the Connecticut River, we took him to the river shortly after we got him – first thing he did was jump in the river and start swimming for the other side!! Since then, we have not been able to stop him from swimming. Lakes, ponds, the River, the Atlantic Ocean, you name it, he loves to swim in it. We take him everywhere with us – he even goes to work with me every day – yes I’m very lucky to work at a place that allows me to bring in my dog. In October of 2006 he was diagnosed with Hemangiopericytoma – which can be removed, but then will grow back a little more agressively – by the time he was diagnosed, Stump was already 14, and had never been under anesthesia – we were not sure how well he would take it, but decided that the tumor had gotten so large, that we had to do something. We had the tumor removed, everything turned out fine. We had originally tried chemotherapy, but Stump had a bad reaction to the meds – he had 3 grand mal seizures, so we stopped the chemo. Then, in December of ’07, he was diagnosed with Glaucoma and we were told that his eye had to be removed because it was causing him so much pain. So just 3 days before Christmas, his eye was removed. We could tell right away that he felt so much better – it was a good decision all around. Now, here we are 2 years and 5 months after the original tumor was removed with another tumor growing rapidly. Stump still does all the things we used to do, just a might bit slower. Removing this second tumor, from what the vet has told us, might not be an option this time around – they tend to grow more invasive, and he is 17 years old after all. The tumor is located in his chest cavity, and we have noticed that his breathing has become a little more strained in the last 3 weeks. Knowing that the day will come when we have to say goodbye is really really hard. Knowing that he has had a fantastic life and many many adventures with us, and that we have given him the best that we can doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. Thanks again for sharing your story.
Wow, 17 years! You are so fortunate to have had so much time with Stump, and he is very fortunate for having you. Bless you for taking such good care of him. When Jerry’s breathing worsened in his final weeks, Prednisone helped extend his quality of life. Best wishes for much more quality time with you and Stump. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to find out more about Jerry’s story, and thank you for sharing yours. You are a strong soul for enduring what you’ve been through, and are blessed for having Teddie by your side to help.
As the owner of a 12 yr old golden retriever that has been showing her age, my thoughts and prayers to you for sharing your love for of your special family member… I watched the show Valentines night while visiting Cape Cod and it brought me to tears. So happy that Jerry made it to the Atlantic and his paws got a taste of our ocean. May you find comfort in your lives and hopefully the ability to love another “gem of the Spca” again
Thank you for the kind comments, it definitely brings comfort Gina. Playing in the Atlantic when we got to Maine was certainly a milestone for Jerry. Here’s the movie.
i saw the program and was so impresssed with the courage jerry had shown. i also understand your efforts to allow jerry to experience whatever possible in life and in his fading life.
i too, had two ‘grils, biscuit(welsh corgi + chow= chorgi and piddy(akita + pit bull= pitika) who trailed along w/me for 12 & 13 yrs respectively until jan of this yr when piddy finally left this plane of existence. i am now ‘single’again and came to realize how my dogs & i had become coupled in spirit.
i see that in your relationship w/jerry with some kinds of love in this world so strong and perfect that we are blessed to say we had it.
We were truly blessed indeed to have shared our lives with Jerry. Thanks for noticing and taking the time to comment.
I love, love, love all of the stories, comments, pictures, overall site and the show I found on PBS (where I first found Jerry). I am and have been an animal lover starting from the youngest age. I lost my…forever dog in 2006 after spending the majority of my life…up to right after my 18th birthday loving my little man. (From age 6 apx) I cannot count the tears I’ve cried reading through various pages…And Jerry remains an inspiration!!!! When I heard about the travels my heart just melted because I appreciated that you guys together made his experience wonderful throughout even the hardest times. I just loved hearing your sincere love and dedication to your companion!!!! I know right before my dog was diagnosed with having Jaundice….We went for a very long walk and even so he didn’t want to go home…and I just kept going because he just wanted to keep walking… little did I know it would be the last….:'(
I admire your story, and I just wanted you to know that you have warmed my heart. 🙂
Thank you Marilyn. You just warmed our hearts too.
I just watched the show for the second time and then came and read the comments; Jerry and his people have affected so many of us.
My adored Rug now is almost 12 years old; I found him in a shelter when he was about 8 weeks old- a dear little soft black puppy whose tail wagged when I touched him. He grew quickly to a fluffy 55 pounds. Neighborhood children including toddlers are all safe with him; I’m safe with him. We’ve camped and traveled 20,000 plus miles together but he’s also stayed by me while I was sick in bed for a week at home. Don’t know how he managed but he only got up when I did which wasn’t often. I sat with him while he was in the hospital with an obstruction.
He smiles with me when I’m happy and stays quietly by me when I’m sad. He loved obedience classes and loves the little adult female dog I took in from the street; loves going anywhere as long as it is with me. We like being together.
I’m hoping, hoping, that your experiences with Jerry will prepare me for Rug’s life’s ending. He means so much to me; I need all the help and preparation I can get. Thank you for your courage in sharing Jerry’s life with all of us – to face the diagnosis and go on as you did was hard enough but to write the experiences of the last week must have been excruciating.
Pat, your beautiful note brought tears to our eyes. You are so kind for watching the show and sharing your story with us, thank you so very much.
What a life you and Rug have shared! How fortunate that you’ve had 12 years together, we hope there are many more.
It’s so hard to think about saying goodbye, but remember, that fear is a human thing. It’s never easy watching our friends grow old, but caring for them throughout their senior years is such an honor. Take it one day at a time, never take life for granted and always remember that with each new day, our dogs are always teaching us new lessons even as age takes its toll.
All of those memories and comforting times you both shared will forever stay in your heart, and Rug will always be proud knowing how much he taught you about life. Hang onto those lessons and never let go.
Many hugs,
Rene, Jim, & Spirit Jerry
Ditto. Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment Pat.
I bet if you ask Rug, he’d say the best possible way you can prepare for any inevitable ending, is to just forget about it until then and enjoy every moment together with him, in the now.
Thank you both so much for choosing to share Jerry’s story with us. It was very kind of you to let us see a bit of your journey together through Nature. My heart goes out to you and I hope knowing how well you loved this sweet boy and the very sweet memories of your full life together will bring you peace and comfort. What a special gift the three of you have discovered – how to truly love, how to be a family and live for one another. Altering your life to give Jerry (and you) a happy, fulfilling and truly lived life and adventure was a brave and right choice and one that serves as an example and inspiration to others. Thank you and warmest wishes and blessings to you both.
And thank you for the touching comment. Jerry’s spirit will always continue to comfort us. And now ten months later we have welcomed a new Tripawds spokespup to the pack!
what a beauty! I”M so happy for ya’ll and for your new pal. HOw exciting! I read your story a long time ago (i had two shepherds at one time, but they both crossed the rainbow bridge years ago (about a year apart). I waited also about 10 months, and then rescued a “labradoodle”. She’s my shepherd in disguise (i still love the shepherds so much…i’ll get another one of these days probably). Bengi (My labradoodle) is precious. 6 years old and gets along with my two rescue cats. I HAVE to have animals around me. Felt empty after my dogs passed on….
Best to you. Thanks for keeping us up on your wonderful inspiring stories….
Blessings to you….
Lisa
Congratulations! That’s wonderful. If anyone is having a bad day or starting to question all the goodness and humanity in the world, they should just read your blog to feel their heart and spirit expand and bathe in light and love. You guys are awesome! Welcome to your new family member and Tripawds spokespur 🙂
I was so touched by your story. I have a special boy… Jeep. He’s a Newfoundland Lab mix – nine years old this summer. A big black bundle of love. He was diagnosed in July 2009 with male mammary cancer. My heart broke. We removed the tumor from his tummy (he now pees at a 45 degree angle) and another bone from his foot that had the cancer in it. Now we wait. He is pain free at the moment and so happy but I know I will lose him soon. I also decided not to do any heroic measures. The type of cancer he has is not treatable and is very aggressive so any thing I do is just to prolong his life at the expense of his comfort. I’m ok with doing some things if it will make him feel better but not if it is just to lengthen the days. I have had dogs all my life and I’ve seen them all to the end. It just never gets better but I still will not give up the special relationships I have had with them to avoid that pain. They truly are angels with fur. I admire your devotion and the way that you chose to honor Jerry. Bless you…. and please say a little prayer for Jeep.
Thanks for the touching comment, you have our most sincere wishes for lots of quality time with Jeep. Just try not to focus too hard on anything “soon” which may be a long way off. Now is all that matters to Jeep, follow his lead and enjoy your life together!
Kris B. And all who post here:
My soul is moved to extremes when I read the story of Jerry. Never have I read such a moving story, written with so much love and understanding.
We are so touched by our pets. There is a bond that transcends even those between family and friends. They are special loves in our lives that represent the purity of loyalty and love.
My prayers go out to all of you, asking for strength to bear your sorrow, and mercy for your pets that they may not suffer. You are indeed special people.
Thank you for the heartwarming comment, Michael. It takes a special person to know one! 🙂
Kris… My heart goes out to you and Jeep… Just love and spoil him until the very end… You are in my thoughts and prayers…
Angel Jake’s Mom
I have cried for three hours after reading your story. I love your dog and didn’t even know him. I love you for the way you took care of him. God Bless you both and God Bless Jerry.
That is very touching Carol. It still brings bittersweet tears of joy to our eyes thinking that Jerry has touched so many people in so many ways. Thank you!