My Soul Is Set Free
The next day we headed north to Yellowstone. It was just like the old days, traveling and hanging my head out the truck window.
I even made it up to the Continental Divide, for about the eighth time in our journey. Only this time, walking a few yards to the sign was all I had in me.
We took lots of pictures. As we got to Yellowstone, I was feeling OK, but very subdued from the bad episode the day before.
When we first started traveling with Jerry, we knew that his time would eventually come. If it happened while we were on the road, our biggest nightmare was that we would have to cope with it in some place we didn’t want to be in, some busy city with an unsympathetic vet who didn’t know anything about Jerry.
A few days before we got to Yellowstone, I called Calpurnia’s Mom, TC., whose sister lives just outside the park. She gave me the name of a vet there, in McAllister, Montana. I tucked it away in the “just in case” file.
That night, my breathing was a little raspy, and my heavy panting continued. My legs felt like jelly, and I was having a harder time getting up and turning around in bed.
Mom and Dad slept in the next morning. At 8:30 am when Mom woke up, she thought it was strange that I hadn’t made noises to go outside. I heard her get out of bed, and as she walked over to me saying “Morning Jerry!”, she looked down, and saw that I had wet my bed.
“Oh nooooooo! Jerry, baby!” Mom cried out. Our eyes met, and as I lay there, I looked up and told her; “Mom, I’m so sorry, I just couldn’t get up to tell you. Mom, I’m tired.”
Dad got up to see why Mom was crying. She hovered over me, tears running down her face. I was still laying there. I could not find it in me to get up out of my wet bed.
“It’s time,” Mom said to Dad. “This is it.”
We knew it. This was the sign that we needed to know that his dignity was slipping away.
We always knew that if Jerry’s health was going to decline because of this stupid cancer, we would measure his dignity by whether or not he could get up to go potty on his own.
We realize there are many dogs out there that need help in this area, but are still living otherwise healthy, happy lives. In Jerry’s case, we felt that if the cancer’s effects coincided with incontinence, he would not be living the kind of life he was born to live.
The events of the previous few weeks, along with the incontinence, was the sign that we needed to call the vet in McAllister.
Making that call to the vet was the hardest thing we ever had to do. Explaining our traveling situation to total strangers. Detailing Jerry’s health problems coherently, without going into hysterics. Asking them to help us say goodbye. Luckily, Dr. Cashman was incredibly sympathetic, and agreed to help us that day.
We cleaned up Jerry, put him in the truck, and drove away from Yellowstone. It took everything we had to stay calm and centered, for his sake.
We drove quietly for two hours through the beautiful mountains. The vet’s little office was located at the end of a rural country road, in a setting that felt like home. Puffy white clouds floated across the big blue sky. This was the classic picture of Big Sky Country, Montana.
We went inside to meet Dr. Cashman. Our fears were put aside as we met a wonderful group of women who run the Meadow Creek Vet Clinic. Showing a great deal of compassion, they understood our situation as traveling fulltime RVers, and took the time to explain the euthanasia procedure to us.
Dr. Cashman would use two injections: one to sedate Jerry, and then a second drug which would be responsible for saying goodbye. She gently suggested that we allow her to use a catheter for the injection (a nominal extra fee) as dogs who have been on steroids typically have collapsed veins that are hard to locate. A catheter would make the injection go a little smoother, and be less stressful for everyone involved. We are so grateful she told us about that, and followed her advice.
Mom and Dad went inside for a while, then came outside. I was surrounded by an adoring fan club, and Dr. Cashman was one of them. She was wonderful!
Dad helped me get out of the truck, and got my Barney blanket and some of my favorite stuffed toys. I plopped down on the lawn next to the office, and everyone loved and cuddled me.
Some dogs were barking out back, in the boarding kennels. I hopped over to them, and said “See ya on the other side, guys.” I plopped down tired, then went back to lay down on my blanket with my Dad’s help.
We spoke to each other in dog, that language that only pawrents and their furry kids understand. Mom and Dad’s eyes were all watery, and they thanked me for all that I’d done for them. We made promises to meet up again some day.
Then, Dr. Cashman and her assistant held me close, and gave me lots of love. I felt a tickle on my leg, but I wasn’t scared at all. I was just so tired.
One needs to be totally prepared for the final vet visit when the time comes. There is no second guessing at this point. We decided to remain with Jerry during the procedure, keeping our promise to be with him until the bitter end. Not knowing what to expect, we did the best to prepare ourselves for the worst. And though the tech had a difficult time finding a good vein for the catheter, once it was in, his passing was quick and peaceful.
“You’re going to be OK,” Mom told me. “Thank you Jerry,” said Dad. Tears began to flow, but they feigned strength as they stroked my fur and held me close.
Within a minute or two, I felt so much better. All of my pain was gone, and I was free again!
Up I went through the sky, my spirit soaring high above the big puffy clouds! I was running again! Chasing rabbits and chickens! Swimming! And then I saw Lalla . . .
Some harsh realities do exist that one must also be prepared for, if they choose to know. Being the first time for us, we found it therapeutic to know.
Once I was released from my broken body, my pawrents laid with me quietly for nearly a half hour. My muscles didn’t move as the vet mentioned they might. But my eyes didn’t close either, as she said they wouldn’t.
In search of total closure, my dad requested that he carry me inside. The vet cautiously told him that I would be kept in a freezer until the funeral home could pick me up the next day. He acknowledged the fact, and also understood my limp body must be put in a bag. He helped the vet do this, then gently laid me to rest, knowing that at this point I was free and my body was but a shell. A broken shell at that.
My pawrents made the smart decision to pay for the visit up front so they could just leave afterwords. And it was probably the least expensive vet visit I ever had! While they silently drove back to Yellowstone, my dad swears he sensed me running through the sky along side the truck, all the way.
As hard as it was, we were extremely fortunate for this to happen in such a beautiful place, with such wonderful people. Even the sweet folks from At Home on The Range pet cemetery helped make this more bearable than we ever thought it could be.
We said goodbye to Jerry on a Friday. When we inquired on Monday about his remains, they said he was ready and offered to meet us as we passed through town to deliver a beautiful tin in a velvet bag.
Jerry will keep traveling with us until we find that special piece of land with the large shady tree to call his forever home.
Hey Jerry,
Your pawrents and I are so comforted knowing that you and Lalla are taking care of each other now. We look up at your stars and feel you run in the wind.
I can’t even write right now…my tears just don’t want to stop. I knew you would post something on his one month anniversary…thank you for sharing this extremely personal, private, difficult, courageous and loving experience with us. Jerry lives on and he always will, I know you know that.
Love you,
Heather
Oh Jerry… I wish I could of been there to say goodbye to you also. Thank you for showing us how to live as a tripawd. Even in your final hours you were a beautiful dog and yes you do have a soul… Rene & Jim sending some hugs today in honor of Jerry Dawg. Thank you for sharing his final hour and keeping his dignity intact.
Kim&Buster
Just to add a bit for every one of us who will eventually be making these decisions, I found it extremely helpful and comforting to have a conversation with my vet long, long before I knew I would have to make decisions. She actually came to my house and we sat in the yard watching the dogs play and talked about how to evaluate quality of life, the euthanasia process, the death process without euthanasia (what to expect, how to tell if a animal is painful vs. going through a normal process), cremation, how they tell one animal’s remains from another, etc, etc etc. (I have a very scientific mind, so knowing the exact process is very comforting to me.)
With LilBit’s passing, which was very sudden and surrounded with chaos and very little time to make decisions, I found it helpful to already know the answers to my questions. This allowed me to be brave and make the difficult call without prolonging his suffering at all. On the other hand, we had a beloved kitty that we made the decision to allow to pass in his own time without our assistance (or the vet tormenting him) and that was OK too and very special in its own way.
Just something for others to chew on. It is very hard, but Jerry and his people developed this site with open hearts and have always been very honest about Jerry and his health. End of life decisions are part of that. Each dog, each person, each situation is different.
– TC, Cali’s mom
This was such a beautiful send-off for a very wonderful dog. Thank you, Jim & Rene, for sharing this with us. I’m so glad you were able to find a wonderful vet and great staff to assist you in this process to release Jerry from, as you put it, “his broken body”. I am crying so hard right now I can’t type anymore. I’m so very sorry.
Love, Vicki, Blazer & Kitty Kimber
To Jerry’s pawrents,
As the pawrents of a tripawd fur-kid we have felt it all along with you. We’re sure amidst your grief you’re comforted by all the wonderful times you had with Jerry, as we’ve had with our baby. We will never forget Jerry’s lust for life that gave us the strength to amputate our kid, and we will be forever grateful for helping us make the best decision for her. So, in this time of mourning for Jerry (and crying so hard I can hardly type) – thank you Jerry from all the three legged fur-kids whose moms and dads you helped make the best decision for each of them. Your courage and strength and crazy sense of humour have helped us all though the good and the not so good. You have made the lives and futures of tripawds better and more promising. For that, enough thanks cannot be expressed.
We love you Jerry, our thoughts our with you and your mom and dad.
Charly, Doug & Kali (the super amazing three legged doberman)
Everyone’s comments reflect our feelings TOTALLY. We feel so fortunate to have found your website, and to be included in your most intimate moments spent, with a most LOVING and special pack. We have learned SO much from the strength of Jerry and his Pawrents, and only hope to have the courage, when the time is right, to say goodby to Rocco (hopefully as graciously as all of you have). It is soothing to know that Rocco will finally meet Jerry in the end, as I really do believe they are very special soul brothers. We ALL have a bond now that will last for eternity, until all of us, pawrents, tripaws, and canine cancer victims can enjoy the huge reunion planned for all of us, that Jerry is already preparing.
thank you so much for sharing your brave story. i can hardly see because i am crying so much. we grieve along with you both, jerry will be in our hearts forever.
much love,
michelle, stephen and sami
I understand this far too well. Thank you for sharing all of Jerry’s stories up until the very end.
Love,
Finny & Rudy’s Mama
I could just sob reading this, having just done the same for Abbey a day before your Jerry…Even this morning, though, I allowed myself to revisit that day’s experiences and I came up with the same answer: “It was time, she needed and wanted to leave, and I am so grateful to God the process went so peacefully.” I still feel her energy with me and even as we prepare to bring a puppy home mid December, Abbey will always be a part of us. We were blessed to share life with her. May your travels be adventurous and wonderful and may our spirit dogs always go with us. Much love, di
Dear Rene and Jim,
I just read your post (part 2) about saying good bye to Jerry and setting his soul free. Like so many others who read your post, I was sobbing by the time I finished reading it.
How perfect that you were able to have one more day traveling together; Jerry hanging his head out of the truck window and being at Yellowstone again. I think it was very special that everything worked out so that you could share this time together one more time.
I think that clear signs were given by Jerry to show you what to do. Your decision was both “right and humane” as my own local vet put it when I decided to put my dog, Luna, to sleep on Sept. 16th, 2008. Those words meant so much to me, and I think that feeling that way is so important for any “pawrent” to feel when having to make this gut wrenching decision. You planned out everything and it just fell into place. That was no coincidence either. You let Jerry maintain his dignity and pride, and I do very much believe that dogs feel both of those emotions.
The vet, Dr. Cashman, sounded like a Godsend, as well as her staff. It sounded like a team of loving, caring people, who helped make this very painful experience, a bit less painful. Because you had the strength to remain “calm and centered”, which had to be incredibly difficult to do, you gave Jerry the calm and loving environment that he needed to make the transition in a peaceful and loving atmosphere in your beloved Big Sky Country.
Your account of the final moments of Jerry’s life made me feel as if I were sitting right there with you, watching Jerry lying on his Barney blanket surrounded by his favorite stuffed toys. Surrounded by all of that love, it is reassuring to know that Jerry had no fear and no pain, and was released from his earthly shell. I know that Jerry felt safe and secure with you with him, too. You kept your promise to him as I kept my promise to Luna not to leave her side, as hard as it was to do. One of the toughest things to do is to feign the strength when inside you’re crying and sobbing and not wanting to do this at all, but knowing, that for the sake of your beloved pet, you absolutely have to, you must.
It was very special that Jim would help carry Jerry inside and do the other things that needed to be done. He took care of him just as long as he possibly could, you both did, and you both did everything possible to make his life absolutely wonderful. This vet is to be commended, too, for allowing you to participate in Jerry’s passing in the manner that you did.
It is appropriate that Jerry will keep traveling with you until you find that special place to call your forever home. And, Jim is right, he is running right there beside your truck as you drive along. This was Jerry’s destiny, this is why he had to go through all he did, why you both had to go through all that you did with him. It was your destiny to bring more awareness and education to those who reached out to you for help with their own pets who were tripawds. God bless you all for what you have done, and will do in the future, in memory of a great dog named Jerry.
Fondly,
Sandra Thomas & David Snyder & “Angel Luna”
Oh you all are so very, very kind, thank you for your kind and beautiful thoughts. Our love goes out to all of you. We don’t know what we’d do without your support.
I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. I was just thinking about Jerry today, and decided to see how he was doing.
Your story brought back all of the experiences I have had. My Grizzly had the same reaction to the Albuterol. And the passing of Sammy was so similar, with the exception of Sammy’s extreme agony.
I’m so glad you were able to be with him when he went and that you were able to let him go with dignity.
You gave him such a wonderful life. You were as blessed with him as he was with you.
May your heart never forget the happy days.
Tough, tough to read this – brought back a lot of memories. I lost my husband’s Dutch to cancer less than six months after my husband died. I honestly think that Dutch just grieved himself to death in order to follow ‘his person’.
It’s so hard, but seeing them in pain and not being able to help is awful, too. And being there at the end is the last loving thing you can do for them.
Jerry, I too was a tripaw. I died 3 weeks after surgery. When I woke up after surgery I couldn’t eat. Mom and dad tried everything to save me, but I guess it was my time. I died at home in my loving moms arms. I’ll see you at the bridge. Love Monte Carlo
So sorry to hear about Monte Carlo. But every dog cancer story is different. Thanks for sharing.
Well my dog Dudley and two cats Scooter and Wild Kitty just finished watching the PBS special that featured Jerry. What a sweet and heart wrenching story. The two of you made Jerry’s life so much better right up to the end. I am so sure he is now a very happy pup in heaven. Jerry, if you can read this and see my pup, Sheba Shepherd up there in heaven, sit down with her and have a chat. Sheba can tell you some great stories abou how she was our best pup.
Hugs to you Rene and Jim!
Pam and furry friends
I watched Jerry on PBS tonight and now reading this blog makes me weep. I raised German Shepherds and have lost so many sweet babies over the last 40 years. They break your heart in such a sweet way. They are all buried in my side yard and I am loathe to ever move…but I know they are happy. You are wonderful people and Jerry was lucky to have you as you were to have him. Be well and happy…Jerry is.
I just saw your story on PBS’s Nature. You are both such incredible people. I had to come and find out what happened with Jerry. Your story has touched me deeply as I have loved and cared for dogs since a child. I presently live with three!!! I hope you find peace and will remember the funny things that Jerry did and are able to laugh, even through tears…..
I loved the story of Jerry and his pawrents. I lost my cat to cancer last June (2008) and am still tramatized by it all. I am crying as I’m writing this. I have Belle’s ashes still as I have not decided where if at all to scatter them. I know it is best for our furry kids when they are sick, but it doesn’t make it any easier to put them to sleep. It is just peaceful for us to know they are no longer in pain.
Thanks Pam, your comments mean a lot to us. I’m sure Jerry and Sheba are romping around the Rainbow Bridge.
Tonight, February 15, 2009, my husband Ted and I watched Why We Love Cats and Dogs. What a terrific program. I loved the story of your dog, Jerry. I am so glad that he was in your lives for 10 years. Pets indeed are wonderful! We adopted 2 small kittens(brother and sister) from the local Humane Society almost 7 years ago. Boots and Tiger are our “children” now since our sons are grown and have families of their own. Boots weighs 8 1/2 lbs and Tiger weighs 20 1/2 lbs. They are friends and companions for each other. Ted and I have been retired for 10 years. Boots lay on my lap tonight as we watched the program.
Thanks. Sincerely, Karen
Thank you for taking the time to comment Kay. Jerry was our first, so losing him was especially tough. But it is already obvious that life can’t go on forever without another furry kid.
It means so much to us that you took the time to find out more about our story. Knowing that Jerry has touched so many, makes the peace we have found so much more … well, peaceful! 😉 Thank you.
I share your joy…he was such a great companion. I share your pain in letting him go. The lump in my throat too great to read all of part 2. Jerry looks so much like our girl we had to help transition across the Rainbow Bridge three years ago.
Thanks for letting us into your life and into Jerry’s life. What a delight and how enriching to have shared life with him.
thank you for sharing your story. I, too, had my “forever dog” John Paul who gave me the most wonderful years of my life. i know, someday, i will see him again and hold him close to my heart, just as you will,—– forever.
We lost our Charlie a year before my husband lost his fight with cancer. When the time came, and Charlie was in constant pain, we took him to the vet’s office where they came out and did what was necessary without moving him or causing him any more pain. We stayed with him. It was all done lovingly and with grace and dignity. The next day, a local florist delivered to us, a single yellow rose in Charlie’s memory from everyone in the vet’s office. What grace.
– Jane
What a heart-warming story you have shared with us. I recently had a similar experience with my 13 year-old Whippet and my vet actually came to my home to euthanize him. It was so calm and peaceful and my other 2 Whippets were right there with him as well. There will never be another Jerry but you two will be able to share your incredible love with another deserving dog.
Thank you again…..
I am just a sobby mess right now after reading part 1 and part 2. I saw your story on PBS tonight and can totally relate to it. I lost my two little buddies Winston and Julius within a few months of each other. My husband and I adopted them when they were 12 and were blessed to have 5 great years with them. As they grew older they both got kidney disease. Everyone told me W & J would let me know when they were ready to go but they didn’t. At least I didn’t recognize it. I now know they were ready to say “goodbye” but I wasn’t and was in denial. For three months, I woke up several times a night to help Winston pee and drink. He could barely stand at times. He had good days and bad. Finally, my husband helped me recognize that he wanted to go. We had a vet come to our house to perform the euthanasia. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. Since Winston I have had to make two more quality of life decisions for loved ones. One for Julius, his brother and one for my mother who I took off of life support this past November. I will always be grateful to little Winston for showing me who to handle death and grief. You absolutely did right thing for Jerry. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Are you both thinking of getting another dog? After I lost my two, I didn’t think I could ever love another pet like Winston and Julius. The house was quiet for exactly six weeks when I came across a little puppy that someone had rejected and couldn’t get rid of fast enough. Now little Danny is destroying my house but I love him. Winston and Julius taught me courage. Danny is teaching me patience and how to clean up shredded toilet paper.
Thanks for watching, and thank you for the kind comments. Best wishes to you and your fur kids!
I just want to say Thank you from the whole of my heart for sharing your life story with Jerry. I enjoy watching Nature and always learn something from the show. Tonight I learned from two loving parents. I went on to read Jerry’d full story and am glad the three of you were able to make so many memories together. I want to sincerely thank you for including your comments about how you agreed to make all of your difficult care decisions and admire you for slowing down to smell the roses with Jerry. I can’t imagine my life without my furry four legged baby girl in it. Thank you for sharing and God Bless.
I don’t know what to say; I’m crying so hard in empathy with you. Everything you went through with Jerry was so similar to what I did with my dearest Pokey (my beloved cat) back in 1999 that in a very odd way it is comforting to me to know that others have felt the same way I did and I was alone having to make the final decision so that has weighed on me all these years. Always, did I decide at the right time? But, as you, my Pokey “told” me by peeing on the carpet in the doorway btwn the bdrm and another room and staying right there in the wet spot. A dear Homeopathic Vet’s technician had told me that this would be a sign, just the night before over the phone. And the next morning, almost as if Pokey had heard what she had told me, there he was letting me know. I’m so glad that you had so much good time with Jerry. You did what you absolutely should have done and you will never regret that. After all is done, we have only that to remember — that we gave our dear loved ones the best kind of life, that they knew they were loved sooo much, and that they were happy with us! I know you miss Jerry so much and I will never stop missing Pokey. He is with me every morning when I wake and at last before I sleep. Jerry will always be with you — by the way, you never have to say “good bye” . . . you just don’t . . . I never have and someday we’ll be together again, all of us . . . we just can’t be together for now . . . Thank you for your sweet sharing of your precious time with Jerry and all the most difficult parts of your story. My heart is with you. Fran in Reno, NV now, originally from Buffalo, NY
Thanks for watching and taking the time to come here and find out more about Jerry. Your comments are touching. I’m sure Belle was blessed to have you.
Thanks for commenting. I’m sure John Paul and Jerry will be having a great time at the Rainbow Bridge until we get there.
Love. Grace. Dignity. These are good things we too shared with Jerry when his time came. Thank you for commenting.
Wow … you were fortunate to have 13 loving years with your pup. Thanks for sharing.
And you did right by your pups too. 17 years!?!? Bless you for taking such good care of them. Thank you.
Every day without Jerry, it becomes more and more clear that the time will come for another furry kid. Just not quite yet. Jerry was our first.
And bless you for your kind comments. It’s still so hard to believe that Jerry’s legacy is touching so many wonderful people.
Thank you Fran. Jerry will always be with us in Spirit, and even made an appearance today when we spotted a coyote on a hike in the New Mexico mountains.
I saw the show on nature and I had to find out the rest of the story. I can relate to the overwellming sadness you went through when you had to put Jerry down. We had a dog( Bo) for 16 years and she was our child, It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. She didn’t have any illness she was just old and tired. We kept her alive as long as we could, probably longer that we should, because we just couldn’t say goodbye. We even got a puppy ( Jake ) to perk her up. It helped for awhile, but about 6 months later we saw her drag herself over to him and they talked to each other for about 5 minutes, just barking back and forth. Two days later she just looked at us with vacant eyes and we just knew it was time. I was a great help to have Jake to take care of. He changed alot after she was gone. It was almost like she told him it was his job to take care of us now since she wouldn’t be there. He became very loving and protective. That was 12 years ago and now we are nearing the possibility of losing him. He’s got spinal problems, making it hard to use his hind legs. We’ve been taking him for accupunture and that seems to help alittle. He also has chronic kidney failure. We have him on a special diet and we have to give him fluid under the skin every other day. He’s still happy, though I don’t know how long it will last. So we need to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. People think we’re crazy for spending so much money on him but I couldn’t imagine not.
Some people don’t get it. As you are well aware, it isn’t about the money. It’s about the bond we share. Bless you for taking such good care of your pups, and thanks for sharing!
Thank you for an inspiring story. You had Jerry’s best interests at heart, and many will learn from your experience.
Stephen, thanks so much for watching and coming here. Helping release Jerry from his pain was the hardest thing we ever had to do. Your comforting words help to ease the pain. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
This story broke my heart but also made me happy to see others who love their pets so completely. Thanks for your heart and soul.
You two are are an exemplary couple. Only animal lovers such as yourselves and hopefully like me understand the total commitment one makes when they take on a furry child. I have 4 dogs and Bridget is struggling with Cushing’s disease. She is an 11 year old Siberian I adopted at the age of 1 from a shelter. We have had a truly wonderful life together along with her English setter brother and sister and her yellow Lab brother, Toby who she mothered when he was a pup. She is a wise old girl and it is hard to see her condition deteriorate as Cushings ultimately, despite treatment leads to death. I love her like you loved Jerry and wondered how I too could face the next phase of life without her but your story gave me hope and courage to continue until she tells me that we have reached the end of this life and she is ready for the next. Thank you for this brave and wonderful story of hope courage and boundless love for your canine soulmate and kid. Someone finally understands me. God bless you both.
Judi Rogers
I once had the most wonderful german shepherd whom I also raised from a puppy. He (we) were so unforunate though, as his life ended way too early just a month before his 3rd birthday. It was an accident, so I was totally unprepared.
Even though he was young, the last year and a half consisted of 3 surgeries, and medicine every day for an unknown fungus he couldn’t kick. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of his life was filled with wonderful memories of going to dog classes, walks, car trips, and lots and lots of love ! He was the most beautiful, smartest dog I had ever owned ! I just wish I would have had more time with him.Seeing him go was the hardest thing for me too.I didn’t imagine it would end the way it did. I know how you feel, and my “Chase” would have loved to live the life Jerry did. I’m glad he was so lucky to have the both of you as his parents. I cried too reading your story, because I can relate to it. Now both of our wonderful dogs are free of pain, and in dog heaven together. Bless you, and our dogs !!
What a deeply moving story about Jerry’s life and passing. Thank you so much for sharing this. As always, with such a moving moment, I’m in tears. Kudos to you both for all you did to give him such a wonderful life. I’m so glad you rescued him and made him part of your family.